I wake up in a clean, quiet room that looks like it just got done with a photo shoot for House and Garden. I spryly bound out of bed, run a brush thru my hair, splash a little water on my face and look like I just got done with a photo shoot for Sport Illustrated. I slip on my size 0, top of the line, matching workout clothes and float out of the room. My children are sitting, dressed, fed, and shod on the couch with their hands busy playing a friendly game of chess, discussing the latest world politics. The kids pile up in the jogging stroller and we make our blissful way to their school. As we get there, we are the envy of all the moms and kids. I kiss the kids goodbye and make MY blissful way to Starbucks, where the coffee is cheap and the calories don't exist. But, if they did, it wouldn't matter to my size 0 butt.
I wake up when a butt lands on my face and shocks me awake in a room that looks like it just got done with a photo shoot for a National Geographic piece on natural disasters that hit the homes of hoarders. I fall out of bed and limp to the bathroom because my back hurts from sleeping around 2 kids who crept like ninjas in to my room in the middle of the night. I splash a little water on the mirror to blur the vision I see in it and look like I just got done with a photo shoot for Celebrity Stalker- What They REALLY Look Like!. I slip on my (we are not discussing sizes here) pants, shoes, and whatever shirt is closest and trip out of the room. My children are shrieking at each other at the top of their lungs, arguing about what color Audrey's pants are. The kids pile up into the jogging stroller, after I knock off a couple of spiders and pry the cat off of it, and we make our breathless way to their school. As we get there, I realize that I have sweat stains the size of dinner plates under my arms and my hair is plastered to my head, soaking wet. I am the envy of the moms there as they look at me and say to each other, "I really wish I could bring myself to leave the house like that.... How liberating it must be... Although, she IS quite pungent...".